obsessed, impatient, frustrated, worried...

...they all fit right now, sometimes all together, sometimes only one or two or three out of the four. No, it's not actually that bad, worried is probably to smallest problem, I am not really worried, just a little bit maybe but I get to that later I think.

My obsession with latex is growing, it's growing slowly and I am still not entirely sure how 'bad' the whole thing actually is, but according to a good friend it's already pretty bad. The day before yesterday I dreamt all night about latex, latex was just everywhere, you know how crazy dreams can sometimes be, you mix lots of things and the whole dream just doesn't make any sense, but I usually don't dream and feel so 'alert' and 'aware' of what I am dreaming about. I think it got to do with me getting really impatient, I wish my latex I ordered would arrive, I wish it would hurry up, not just because I want to wear it, lol, well yes, I want to wear it, but because I want to wear it when going out with Sky for the first time. We've been talking for a while now and we agreed that we should start the way we're supposed to go on, so wearing latex on our first date just makes sense. I am really looking forward to this. Despite, it feels about time that we get to meet each other, I feel strangely calm and utterly nervous at the same time, I think it's because I am not letting myself getting too excited over the whole thing before we actually see if this leads to anything more than what we have now. I like him, I think he's a good person, he's smart and funny and passionate about things. So out of the impatience and obsession there develops frustration because I am not good with waiting for things to happen, I don't like having to wait around. I got a little better with it, but I'm still not very good. Frustration can be something really nice, if it's caused by someone in charge and I know that I will eventually get my reward for being good, but not in this context.

I think I am only a little worried where this all will eventually lead to, but on the other side, why being worried all the time? I learnt an important lesson last year as I got injured and was unable to do even the smallest things without being in constant unpleasant pain, to enjoy every day and live in the now, not to live in a dream world, to look after myself and put my personal well-being first, do what I feel is good for me and to take a risk if I feel I should. This probably sounds pretty confusing, I think it does, but to me it makes perfect sense.

I never been totally normal, I think one reason why I'm single is that I'm not willing to settle for just a bit of what I want but aim for the perfect thing. I want to be perfect for my significant other, I believe that I can only be happy in a loving and caring D/s based relationship, knowing I am in good hands and have my partner improving me, guiding me and helping me discover the real me. I am no door matt, I am my own person, but I  am not complete. I think I digress. Right, I try to keep my expectations low, that is the reason why I don't think about what could happen next in detail, as long as I keep me in the dark, I won't be too disappointed if things won't work out. I got burnt too many times to let my guard down easily, but it's getting harder with every day.

I maybe get back to this another time, enough for today. A wank and some rubbery dreams for me I guess.

Love,

Mx