new year new chapter

It's been a while I bothered writing, for a reason, I didn't feel like publishing my life but I think I'm over this 'I don't want you to know, so I won't write it' as that one I didn't want to know is no longer relevant. He's been a cunt, a proper cunt and if I would ever learn my lesson I would have listened to my friends and 'deleted' him out of my life much earlier, but I seem to be someone I'd call emotional masochist, deep inside me I enjoyed hurting so much by being rejected and ignored. The plan for 2011 was and is still to change this to promiscuous and relaxed,lol, I have been pretty good last year and don't think it got me anywhere.

So I will have to mix this up a bit, I think there will be some older posts, which i didn't publish at the time, so sorry if I get you confused.

Mxx

So that's her then?

I am about to meet my inner doll soon. This probably sounds a little funny, but I am serious. A while back I discovered that I have a rather big latex bug, thinking about what I want and discussing it with Sky I quickly figured that total enclosure in latex is indeed very attractive to me and then I thought 'but I don't want to look like those rubber dolls', mostly wearing black latex all over, sometimes with blown up boobs and unnatural looking 'skin'; I don't want to be black, or red or pink, I want to be perfect and the thought of a porcelain doll, mannequin was born.
This thought since developed but never left me again. I want to be perfect with flawless skin. Perfect and loved and looked after, admired and used and cared for. After having had the chance to look at the colour sample of Rubber55 mannequin coloured latex, I instantly fell for it to be honest, I decided that I will get a hood and a catsuit in exactly this colour. This was about a month ago.
Yesterday I ordered it. I ordered her skin so to say. She's going to need clothes and hair, preferably red curly hair, I haven't found anything suitable yet though, but maybe she's going to have to be without it at first, or maybe with black hair. But yes, she'll need clothes, she can hardly be naked all the time. I was thinking of getting her the same top I have in black in white latex and with a white matching skirt, the skirt will have a black trim around the waist and maybe some pretty white gloves with black trim going with it. oh the options are endless here though and this is not the most important thing just yet.
Then I know she's got a little thing for the 'sex doll' libidex has got on their web page in their fantasy section, she's hoping that who ever is going to own her some day will occasionally stick her in this one for some more naughty play.
She'll not be able to wear the perfect looking skin everyday, but for outings with her owner she'll happily dress in latex, thinking of that, there are so many pretty designs, some printed, some just matt which are more than suitable for 'vanilla' outings and can be thought of when things are more established. She can imagine this will be the way things develop though depending on the owner.

I think she's a little bit scared, or am I? Maybe we are. It's all pretty new and will develop all by itself, so thinking about details to much will just disappoint me or her, or even both of us.

I hope we'll find someone who loves us both, so if there are doubts at any point we'll be able to be strong together. Ultimately, she's me and I'm her, but right now I still separate the both and I have no real idea for how long this will be like this, but I know that I want to know that someone appreciates me for who I am and who I want to be.

One little thing, I am talking about her and me as two different people but I am totally aware that we are not; this helps me to accept that there is something to my kink I have to discover, I know I am not alone with this but I know too that most people are stuck in their fantasy and things hardly ever become reality. How much it's going to be part of my day to day and how much it's going to work for us, when there is a us to work it out at some point is yet unclear and needs to be established there and then, but it's very important to me that whoever will join me for this journey loves me first and then the doll within me. I want to be in a loving, caring relationship and embrace my fetish, our fetish.

Mxx

change of plans....

I ordered the catsuit. I know, haha, you are saying now is she serious!? I just don't want to wait any longer. It will be fine, it's not totally over the budget, just a bit, and that means my 'pocket' money for the month November is now spent.

Soooooo excited though! Yay!

insight

I had a lot to think about since Tuesday and I came to a couple of conclusions, think I should write them down to make them facts, not just thoughts.

My interest in latex was always there, I know that because of the reactions the material triggers in me, but I was not pushing it quite that far and I think I was just not able to go down that route all by myself, I needed to be pushed in the right direction by someone else. Sky gave me that push. He insisted that he wants to meet full covered in latex, erm no hoods, it's public, but the rest, pretty much all covered up, neck to fingertips and toes ;) and I started to think about the total enclosure thing and it first totally freaked me out. Going out in vanilla world like that? I soon discovered that that's actually really easy though. I mean, I've done it before and there are places in London you can easily pull that look of without being stared at. I started to look for a top, something I liked and I ordered finally my first long sleeved top made to measure. I knew already that I will love it, I tried one on at Showgirls before that and knew it's going to feel amazing, the waiting around for things to arrive was driving me relatively nuts though to be honest.
I think that was rather unfortunate as I feel like I lost some precious time while waiting, but it was worth it. I've been out twice since, once to Camden for drinks with friends and to my mates party on Friday night and the 'I like this a lot' - feeling just keeps growing stronger.
I got really annoyed on Friday that the sleeves on the top are just a little bit too short, will have to get someone to stick some cuffs on it to give it an extra 2-3cm and in the meantime I need to get some longer gloves maybe, my skin tone ones did look really good though on Friday and you couldn't really spot the error, nobody noticed but I know it bugged me. I spent 10hours in my latex on Friday, bare feet after a while, the shoes are not made for party, lol and I had to take the gloves off after I think 6-7 hours, because my thumb nails on both hands really started hurting, will have to cut them even shorter next time, they got pushed too much by the latex, but I am really happy with the end result of the night.

So here is a big thank you to Sky, for raising the bar, for pushing me forward and for helping me discover this side on me. Makes me a little bit sad as well, because of the same reasons, he raised that bar and is now pulling out of meeting me. I first was really upset. I spend a lot of time, effort, even money on preparations and he just changed his mind now. Thinking about it all for the last couple of days I am ok with this now and still consider him as a friend. We will have to meet though, even if it's just in jeans and t-shirt and for a coffee but I don't have any online friends and I like to keep it that way, I like to know the person I talk to, even if I only ever see them every 6 months in real. So this is going to be something we will have to put into practise, meeting face to face. No date needed, or latex for that matter. I accept his decision that he's just not feeling like it at the moment. Happens to me too, I lost my 'mojo' more than once and fully understand it. I like him as a person, I like to know the real Sky behind the online persona to establish a real friendship here, I think it's time after 2 1/2 months. So that is food for a conversation.

Going back to my fetish. I decided I won't dress for myself at home. I figured that doesn't give me the right feeling to it. I want to look perfect and pleasing and do it not just at home for myself but for someone important to me. So as much as I know now what I want and what I want to explore in depth I will have to do this slowly and hopefully together with someone at some point. I feel lucky I have friends who understand my kink and that they are there for me when it gets me down, thanks Keira, Naya, Captain, you're the best.

Mxx

doing the right thing?

Feeling rather silly now about what I said last night, but thinking about it, it is the way things seems to be. It might have been better to not say anything, no, hold on, that would be silly. I've always been honest and always will be and if someone can't deal with that then it should probably just not be.

I suppose not everyone deals with things that way, people keep their thoughts to themselves rather than talking about it openly, but that makes relationships between individuals so special, if you feel like you can talk about anything and say anything and it will be 'not the wrong thing to do' but just right. I don't ever want to feel like I can not just say how I feel or have the feeling that I will have to keep things to myself because they won't be met  by approval.

So yes, whether or not it will be met with approval, I did the right thing; voicing my concern. There's not much more I can do really, just wait and see what reaction I will get.

Mxx

obsessed, impatient, frustrated, worried...

...they all fit right now, sometimes all together, sometimes only one or two or three out of the four. No, it's not actually that bad, worried is probably to smallest problem, I am not really worried, just a little bit maybe but I get to that later I think.

My obsession with latex is growing, it's growing slowly and I am still not entirely sure how 'bad' the whole thing actually is, but according to a good friend it's already pretty bad. The day before yesterday I dreamt all night about latex, latex was just everywhere, you know how crazy dreams can sometimes be, you mix lots of things and the whole dream just doesn't make any sense, but I usually don't dream and feel so 'alert' and 'aware' of what I am dreaming about. I think it got to do with me getting really impatient, I wish my latex I ordered would arrive, I wish it would hurry up, not just because I want to wear it, lol, well yes, I want to wear it, but because I want to wear it when going out with Sky for the first time. We've been talking for a while now and we agreed that we should start the way we're supposed to go on, so wearing latex on our first date just makes sense. I am really looking forward to this. Despite, it feels about time that we get to meet each other, I feel strangely calm and utterly nervous at the same time, I think it's because I am not letting myself getting too excited over the whole thing before we actually see if this leads to anything more than what we have now. I like him, I think he's a good person, he's smart and funny and passionate about things. So out of the impatience and obsession there develops frustration because I am not good with waiting for things to happen, I don't like having to wait around. I got a little better with it, but I'm still not very good. Frustration can be something really nice, if it's caused by someone in charge and I know that I will eventually get my reward for being good, but not in this context.

I think I am only a little worried where this all will eventually lead to, but on the other side, why being worried all the time? I learnt an important lesson last year as I got injured and was unable to do even the smallest things without being in constant unpleasant pain, to enjoy every day and live in the now, not to live in a dream world, to look after myself and put my personal well-being first, do what I feel is good for me and to take a risk if I feel I should. This probably sounds pretty confusing, I think it does, but to me it makes perfect sense.

I never been totally normal, I think one reason why I'm single is that I'm not willing to settle for just a bit of what I want but aim for the perfect thing. I want to be perfect for my significant other, I believe that I can only be happy in a loving and caring D/s based relationship, knowing I am in good hands and have my partner improving me, guiding me and helping me discover the real me. I am no door matt, I am my own person, but I  am not complete. I think I digress. Right, I try to keep my expectations low, that is the reason why I don't think about what could happen next in detail, as long as I keep me in the dark, I won't be too disappointed if things won't work out. I got burnt too many times to let my guard down easily, but it's getting harder with every day.

I maybe get back to this another time, enough for today. A wank and some rubbery dreams for me I guess.

Love,

Mx

I'm upset and that's not good!

I just have to get this now out of my system or I am not going to sleep all night I think and that is definitely not an option as I have a busy day tomorrow.

I am a little upset and it's not good, because it shows I care and maybe I care just a little bit too much already.

I haven't heard of Sky in 4 days now, which was kind of ok until tonight, but now it feels like he's just not wanting to talk to me any more and this sudden silence is hurting my feelings. I am annoyed with myself that it upsets me, what a mess. I don't understand why he would though and try to think that he's just busy. Oh well, nothing I can do about, is there. I will just have to stay positive.

One thing lifting my mood is that Jane Doe got back to me and a friend of mine told me tonight that he was only waiting about 10days for his order to arrive, so maybe I'm lucky too :), that would definitely cheer me up.

I'll try to get some sleep,

Mx

the picture gets clearer ...

... I have done a lot of self-analysing and thinking.

I think I understand now why the outlook on being wrapped in layers and layers of rubber, being covered from top to toe with this lovely stuff is so appealing to me.

Firstly, I am perfectly ok with myself, I don't want to hide behind a layer of latex, I see it as enhancement, it perfects the look, helps underlining my already existing female shape, feels and smells good and most importantly suggests control. It's pretty much like maybe chastity or corset-training is to others I think. I suppose I need(ed) a push in the right direction, waking me up, I will quote something : 'rubberist in the making', that sums it up, without someone motivating me I wouldn't have thought about it really I suppose, but that again refers to a lot of stuff I have tried and I like; someone introduced me to it. I think what makes the whole thing so appealing are a few things: the D/s aspect to it, when being pushed to more and more by your partner, the control and restriction it brings with it. The 'perfecting the look', yes, like dollification, I think. Make me perfect. The sexual aspect, I start to associate sexual arousal with latex, this started with being wrapped up in the body bag the other day, OMG! I am thinking of being wrapped into tight latex, hmmmm. I took a piece of latex with me in holiday, it's a hairpiece, I was wearing it one evening standing in the sun and suddenly a breeze came up, I could smell the sweet lovely scent of latex and I could feel my cunt responding to it instantly. So much to being a crazy pervert ;) . The pleasing your partner aspect, I like to please and it's satisfying to see and hear the others approval....
I think there is a lot more to it.

There is something else, to be honest I'm a little scared of it, just a little. I feel like I will step over the line soon where there will be no return, not that I want to return, but I know that certain experiences will change my life for ever. Realistic I would say, that's what I am, I know it's not going to do me any harm to live out something I think is going to be so right for me.

I am slowly preparing myself and my wardrobe to bring this all to the next level, surprisingly, I am nervous but not worried, I am excited but patient, I don't feel I'm in a big hurry. I will just do one step after the other. Wish me luck, I feel like I found something rather special to me.

Mx

No time for kink!

So it seems I am not going to have time to be kinky the next say 3 weeks or so! My work rota is full, fuller, fullest and I have about 4 days of in 3 weeks, which leave me with 2 Sundays and my birthday and a Friday...

Ok,ok, the Sundays are 4th and 11th, so that means there is LAM and Peer Rope, however, I will probably be too tired to really enjoy any of those!

I need a massage! And I need some discipline! sigh!

Why does it have to get worse all the time, job was really good up to a few weeks back :(

Well, am off to bed now like a good girl ( or better a really tired one!)

Mxx

So what is all the fuss about?

Yes, I am asking this myself. I really don't get why I just seem to be not able to meet someone nice. I get jealous when I see my friends all loved up with their partners. I am single for too long and it just doesn't feel right. Friends tell me that I am a wonderful person. So why am I alone? Why am I the only person alone? It's like some old gypsy lady cursed me.

And then I ask myself why am making such a fuss, I have great friends, a good job I enjoy, a fab social life. I don't miss much, do I?!

I should get a pet. That would sort things for me. A friend has a really friendly cat, once they figured how to clone on demand for the general public I want a copy of this one!