Out of the loop...

I haven't been posting in a while, mostly because I haven't had anything to tell, or I didn't feel like sharing it here.
Now the last months since mid July where dominated by real life and kinksville with all it's amneties just wasn't anything I needed. I needed grown up real life stuff, finding a place to live, keeping my job, etc etc.

Now I feel really run down, just after moving house I got ill with a cold and still suffer, so whilst I sit at home and rest I got plenty of time to reflect on what I need to make me feel happy again.

For one, I need a kinky partner, someone who takes control and gives me guidance, I want D/s. I was never really sure about this, but I crave structure and love, affection and on top of it all, I crave some decent marks, bruises, welts, I want them, I need them, I haven't had them in too long now and I don't feel I can go without it for much longer. I want it to be important to both though, not just a play session, or someone doing it for me, it doesn't feel right when someone does you a favour hitting you with a cane or paddle a few times, but they aren't really enjoying it. I want someone who wants to hurt me and then wrap me in a blanket and tell me what a good girl I am.

I will leave this unfinished, I feel like this is more me venting than writing a proper post, but it will go up anyway.

Mx

Fetish Clubbing - Do I expect too much I wonder...

The rather shocking experience last night made me wonder, what are we willing to accept to be able to indulge in our fetish? There aren't that many clubs around and my personal favourite had its time and seem to have died in silence, but that is not what I want to write about, I want you to ask yourself, how awful have the standards to be that you stand up and complain and not go back till things are better? You wouldn't pay £18 to get into a vanilla Club of the same size and state, but you happily pay it for a Fetish Club, have we lost our mind?

We ventured to Club Rub last night, I personally never been before but I went to a lot of excellent and some average Fetish Clubs before, but last night truly topped this, average is not the right word, dire is, or appalling. We checked the website for ticket prices and where abouts the club is now located, finding that it has 'moved' again and we thought that can only mean the old venue wasn't good and the new one is an improvement. Well, I was mistaken. We arrived and the lady at the till was struggling as she hasn't had enough change and two of my friends had to wait till someone went to the bar and got some more, I went inside as I was desperate for the ladies and my first impression was 'ugh, it's hot in here, how am I going to survive wearing all the rubber' but first things first, finding the ladies. At the door we were informed that there is a changing area on the far left upstairs and that there is another toilet, but the toilets would be on the right in the venue if I'd prefer that. I couldn't find the stairs to the far left upstairs!!! So I gave up and went to the ladies toilets first, nearly falling over as the dancefloor had a round edge and was poorly lid, reaching the door I was surprised to find two toilets for all the people, the door of the cubicle actually nearly touching the toilet seat so you have to squeeze in next to the loo to actually get in and out again, surely that would have been even more fun all covered in latex, happy days, glad it didn't came to this.

I then went again to find the upstairs changing area....the only problem with that, there wasn't one. I found the door, the stairs were dark and I had my 2nd experience of nearly falling over as I couldn't see the first step, the lights were out, half way up they came back on, and I could actually see what I'm doing. Reaching the top I found my two friends again, one standing in the corridor and one half way inside the one toilet we talked earlier about, but there was no changing area. At that point I had enough for my liking and said that I will go home and ask my money back on my way out.

I went downstairs again, half way down the stairs the lights suddenly went again, what a fun thing to have, I'm sure that doesn't conform with any health and safety regulations, but I made it without accident and that's the main thing. I got to the till and told them briefly how disappointed I am and that I nearly fell twice( wearing flats, not even heels) in the couple minutes I was in there and asked my money back which was handed to me without discussion, although I got some puzzled looks from the girl behind the till.
I went outside and got my phone out to look up how to get home, glad I did stick around a few minutes as one of my friends was calling after me just as I started to walk down the road. She's seen enough too and decided to come with me, asked for a refund and left.

We talked about the just experienced and were both shocked about what was offered, the conditions, people accepting this blindly and paying a lot of money for it. She then told me that 4 of our friends which were in a different taxi actually changed in the outside smoking area as there was nowhere space to do so... In short, it was hot, poorly lid to the level of dangerous when the lights suddenly went off whilst you climb the stairs, there was no changing area, we couldn't see a cloakroom.

So now to the question in the title, do I expect too much? I don't think so. We went to Clubs which all charge around that mark, Club Pedestal, Surrender, Club Crimson did ... and they are held in much bigger and nicer venues; the maximum I would have accepted to pay last night would be a fiver and that still is generous.

I don't think we should accept conditions like that, I feel like we are treating ourselves not with the respect we deserve. This is London! Capital of Fetish and Filth, what have we done??? If I would have travelled from say Germany to attend this club night I would never do it ever again. If this would have been a vanilla Club night, people would have complained. So why do we accept poor conditions and cramped, hot venues? You spend a fortune on your outfits, then you go and spend even more on taxis etc, you have to pack a bag if you don't want to travel in full rubber on public transport and scare the nillas and then they charge you a lot of money for storing your bag, if there is a cloakroom and a lot of money to get in, not even talking about the bar prices now. Seriously not ok and as far as I'm concerned this Club night goes straight into the category 'never again'. A shame, because I was looking forward to showing off my white Jane Doe latex...

embrace your inner slut...

I am feeling really happy today.
It's like my New Years Goal of being more out there, have fun and enjoy my kinks and sexuality really are working for me and I had a very hot and sexy weekend so far; starting with the Camden Crunch on Friday and snogging two very yummy boys, a steaming hot Spring Party on Saturday night and hopefully finishing off with some amazing tying at peer rope later today... .

Last night I overcome one of my fears, to an extend, but knowing now it all went well I feel confident in 'trying' it again. Some of my best friends hosted one of the most amazing and stunning kinky parties so far. Given you could signal what type of player you are with coloured ribbon around your wrist or arm, that was my chance to go down the 'whore' route and just enjoy and accept and relax, so I took a deep breath and put on a green ribbon, saying 'take me, I'm willing to be whorish', knowing this could eventually push my boundaries and get me into situations I may not like too much.
The urge to just be 'available' was bigger at the end than the fear of maybe getting 'used' in a way I may not like too much. I'm not someone who asks for play and usually end up not playing as I'm scared of getting rejected and worried I may annoy the other if I ask for play, so signalling I'm available without having to say it out loud was perfect and worked out pretty well.

Running last nights events past my inner eye I think it all went well, I am glad I got to play with some amazing people and went home with a big smile on my face. I feel as well that I got to know some of the newer people a bit better and I would have hoped to engage a little more with some of them on a play level, but maybe that will come at some point. Let's wait and see. So running the risk of sounding greedy, I wish I would have had a couple more people being a bit more demanding towards me last night, but for a first I suppose it all went well and gave me something to look forward to, embracing my slut side :D - hopefully a lot more in the next few months.... .

bruises - aftermath

So the last 10 days were quite intense. I had for everyone visible marks for the first time, something I wasn't very well prepared for, my make up skills really do need a bit of a freshening up I suppose. I had a black eye, bruised chin, marks on my jaw line on the left and some lighter but still visible marks on my right side of my face.

For a change I won't be going into detail of the play, all I can say is that he truly fucked me up and I loved it. I was crying my heart out, still sobbing and crying minutes afterwards. I wasn't expecting to be so intensely marked though, that was kinda unexpected and really fucked with my head.

I like to say that I would repeat this at some point, maybe not tomorrow and maybe not exactly the same way, but I enjoyed it.

I had a hard time afterwards, I never dropped so badly from play and I never had to pretend for days and days to come that everything is normal. I wasn't able to cover the eye or chin with make up and I knew I have to be in work on Monday, it was freaking me out, I can't go to work like that I thought, well I can't call in sick either, sigh, I went to buy some other make up, concealer, foundation, powder, end result was ok but nowhere near perfect and I was really worried.

Getting into work on Monday was really demanding some big portion of self-control and backbone and I wasn't sure if I can answer if anyone asks me what had happened, a few hours in and no one had asked, I started to feel a bit better, they obviously noticed, but weren't thinking abuse or anything and left me to it. The following day was easier, still nerve wrecking and straining, but better and so I slowly felt better too.

I managed to get through the week and I'm really proud I did. I had plenty of support from my playmate during that time and from some of my closest friends and I like to say thank you to all of you who were supportive, you really helped me through this.

So aftermath, this was the hottest thing to date, I loved the bruises, the shades the feel of them as much as I loved the way I got them, it just was the right thing to happen, weird isn't it.

Anyway, the marks are nearly gone, some light shades of yellow is all that is left, they say it takes ten days for bruises to go, suppose it's right.

PS: I promise I will never bring warm Stella home ever again ;)

interesting reactions and breaking toys

So I haven't yet felt it would be necessary to write down what I do with the little bitch boy, mostly because they aren't firsts, they are good fun, I enjoy myself, but nothing special happens or happened yet, so I suppose I don't want to bore you all and make you run and never come back to read my blog ever again. But. Yes there is now a but, reason why I'm writing this because I got some interesting feedback followed by some very interesting reactions.

After he had better things to do than seeing me last week I told him that that will have consequences, cancelling on me is something you just don't do. So I said that the next time I see him he gets punished, with the cane. Further he was not allowed to cum. After a few days I extended this to not allowed to touch or play. After a few days, that was Sunday I think, he asked me fairly desperately when he would be able to see me again. My answer was Thursday. He wasn't happy about that and asked if there is any other way to see me earlier than Thursday! I said I will consider Tuesday, but as I was going to be exhausted from work I wasn't sure about having him around for play and punishment. It stayed Thursday at the end.
He arrived at my house, in time, with the requested bottle of red wine for me in his hands. I took the bottle of him, looked at him and said 'you know what to do, cuffs and locks are on the counter' and walked of towards living room where I had everything I needed and more in place. After a minute or two I could hear the rattling of the padlocks on the wrist and ankle cuffs, slowly getting louder whilst he was approaching the living room. As this was punishment there was no warm up planned and I wasn't going to give him one.

I tied him to the living room table, left and right wrist, ankles wide spread with my spreader bar, the bar attached to the table with some rope, no way to escape now. Clover clamps came out and got attached to his nipples, poor boy whining, he doesn't like them that much and was obviously in pain, but I thought he'll soon forget about them when the first stroke with the cane blows down on his ass.
I got myself in place, he knew what was coming, he was prepared, he knew he fucked up and will have to go through this now. Whack, the first one done, but nothing from the boy. I said 'I can't hear you', still nothing, repeating myself, he looks at me, you want me to count, yes count and thank me. Telling him that this one won't count I started again and he was now counting and thanking me for every single one of them, 15 in total, plus the first he fucked up. He was shaking, I felt oddly aroused. Mine. Mine to use as I see fit. He said it, he won't obey, whatever I see fit will be done, he doesn't deserve to voice his likes or dislikes.
I kept it to the caning, pulling of the clamps I felt like this was enough and decided that anything else would be more reward than he deserves. Getting me a glass wine I felt great. He started stroking me, I like the attention, soon my dress came off and he was pleasuring me with his tongue, legs wide spread in front of him it would have been so easy for him to take advantage of me, I could see it in his face, he was wondering if an attempt to fuck me would be tolerated, his facial expression amusing me, he didn't dare, I don't think he ever would. Oh how I love this power I have over him.
Cutting long short I did let him cum that night, under one condition, he was to eat his cum afterwards, clean up the mess. He really wasn't impressed as I was following through with this little condition, I think he secretly hoped he'll get out of it somehow. I enjoyed this a lot, the humiliation, the defeated look in his face, fantastic. He told me that the thought of it was hot as he agreed to it, however just after cumming it's not. Not for him anyway, I had good fun watching him.

Last night at the London munch he told me he was feeling weirdly down after finally cumming and that the depressed feeling didn't go away as he would have had expected after he was allowed to orgasm. I kind of put it down to some sort of sub drop, not sure how to describe it.
We ended up going to a strip club after the munch, together with some friends, before heading back to mine. On the way to the club I took his phone of him, I have to actually get someone to explain me the bloody iphone, I'm rather useless with it so far and I would enjoy being able to play around with it more. Anyway, phone off the boy, he was mostly behaving himself all night. As we got back to mine he was quite cocky and after taking it in for a few moments I stood him in the middle of the room, made him spread his legs and started caning his inner thighs, probably up to eight whacks per leg, turning him around, another two or so across the bum, standing in front of him, looking at him, he suddenly started crying. Now that was probably the one thing I didn't expect to happen. I was sure it was more to do with anything else but the caning, but could imagine this might have triggered it, combined with the seemingly careless attitude of mine, his own music plugged in the speakers, the things he told me at the munch. Result was we talked about it this morning and he thinks he just needed it. Oddly for me, I didn't feel weirded out by the whole situation, I just wasn't expecting it to happen, thinking it would be much harder to make him cry, but I enjoyed the look of him, the look of my broken toy, standing there in the middle of the room, head down, hands in his face, sobbing. Hot! I'm a sick, sick kitty ;)